Empty Destiny

At 2am I held myself in my own arms and cried.

As I lay with my face in the pillow, sobbing, I stroked the back of my own head.

I felt the warmth of my hand trace the skull form and the air blown silkiness of my long hair as it left my fingers.

I whispered to myself, picturing myself there face to face in the dark.

“You did okay today. Tomorrow is a new day.”

There is absolutely no one who knows me as well as I do.

I’m learning so much more about my darkness.

Those thoughts that I have no business dwelling on.

Walking along the edge of it.

Teasing it.

47 years old.

Never thought I would be this old, let alone this gray and disheveled.

3 children were brought into this glorious mess.

It doesn’t feel like that long ago that I only had my own decisions to make.

Whether or not I take this pill or that pill.

Or just take the whole fucking bottle and end this shitty fucking existence in one Big Bang!

I had absolutely no clue what lie ahead of me.

I was so wrapped up in dying I made no plans to live.

So, am I just swimming through leftover soup?

Or is the kind of life I was trying to avoid living?

Did I have a valid point before I brought 3 kids into this mess?

When I laid and held myself and cried into my own shoulder, it was me holding the younger of us.

I convinced myself to turn on the light and start typing.

Just words at 2:30 am? Or could this be part of an impending epiphany?

Oh kid, you have no clue what’s going to happen when you open those eyes again after the long sleep!

You have absolutely no clue.

And that’s okay, because at age 47, you still won’t.

But you have to open those eyes again.

There are so many more excuses now for wanting to swallow that whole bottle.

And there are so many more reasons not to.

Be very, very afraid of missing out on something meant only for you.

I know me.

I don’t listen very well to my gut instinct at age 8, or age 15, or even age 21.

So much more pain is coming, kid!

You will want to die a thousand times over, but you don’t.

You will never find your destiny because you are too selfish right now to listen.

Caught up in emotions.

Sobbing into your pillow.

While I hold your head and stroke your hair.

It’s still me. I still know you better than anyone else can.

And I haven’t left your side yet.

Dread that day of all of them.

Dread that one the most.

When I breathe that last breath.

It will be a soundless whisper.

This was our empty destiny.