Well, this is new

Full blown panic. Trembling. No rational thought. Frozen. Trapped inside my home. In the safety of my room. Have Buddy between me and the front door. So alone! Please leave peacefully. Don't you see I'm scared? Please leave. Please don't make me call the cops. I called the cops. Trembling voice. He had to know how scared I was on the phone. No big deal. We will drive by. No one. They are still there. Why can't they have a conversation somewhere else? No rational thought. Oh god! I called the cops. The cop got out and said something to them. Couldn't hear. Down the hall looking at my front door window. Cop leaves. Car 1. Dare to look? No. Stay back. They have to know by now that I was the one who called. Probably know my neighbors. Pissed them off too. How long before they come back? Car 1 drove by again. And Car 2 soon after. Please go away. Please don't come back here. Please don't hurt my kids. Please don't steal from me. Please stay away. What if they come back later? After we shut out the lights? Terrified. Still trembling. Getting calmer. Typing helping. This is stupid. No reason to be this way. Something is wrong with me. Something is so very wrong with me. I am going crazy. That's it. I see a padded room in my future. Maybe sooner than I think. This is so stupid. So stupid. So stupid. Why? Why am I still scared an hour later? I hear my neighbor yelling at my kids. She knows I called. She has to. Why is she yelling at my kids? They didn't call. I did. I called the cops. They know what I look like because we spoke. They know where I live. They will be back. I know they will. They will keep coming back over and over and over when I'm not here. Just make themselves at home in my front yard. My back yard. Take over everything. Doesn't matter. Going to die anyway. Take my stuff. Take my life. Leave my kids and my dog alone. They will need each other. Feel myself dying already. So much regret. I didn't save their lives because I should have never lived. I should have died. Why do I keep thinking about that? None of this makes sense. This is stupid. I'm done. Back to regular breathing. Chest hurts tho. Not shaking. I guess that was it. Then why am I afraid to drive to the store? To leave my home? I'm still afraid. God! This is so fucking ridiculous! Okay, now I'm really done.

Empty Destiny

At 2am I held myself in my own arms and cried.

As I lay with my face in the pillow, sobbing, I stroked the back of my own head.

I felt the warmth of my hand trace the skull form and the air blown silkiness of my long hair as it left my fingers.

I whispered to myself, picturing myself there face to face in the dark.

“You did okay today. Tomorrow is a new day.”

There is absolutely no one who knows me as well as I do.

I’m learning so much more about my darkness.

Those thoughts that I have no business dwelling on.

Walking along the edge of it.

Teasing it.

47 years old.

Never thought I would be this old, let alone this gray and disheveled.

3 children were brought into this glorious mess.

It doesn’t feel like that long ago that I only had my own decisions to make.

Whether or not I take this pill or that pill.

Or just take the whole fucking bottle and end this shitty fucking existence in one Big Bang!

I had absolutely no clue what lie ahead of me.

I was so wrapped up in dying I made no plans to live.

So, am I just swimming through leftover soup?

Or is the kind of life I was trying to avoid living?

Did I have a valid point before I brought 3 kids into this mess?

When I laid and held myself and cried into my own shoulder, it was me holding the younger of us.

I convinced myself to turn on the light and start typing.

Just words at 2:30 am? Or could this be part of an impending epiphany?

Oh kid, you have no clue what’s going to happen when you open those eyes again after the long sleep!

You have absolutely no clue.

And that’s okay, because at age 47, you still won’t.

But you have to open those eyes again.

There are so many more excuses now for wanting to swallow that whole bottle.

And there are so many more reasons not to.

Be very, very afraid of missing out on something meant only for you.

I know me.

I don’t listen very well to my gut instinct at age 8, or age 15, or even age 21.

So much more pain is coming, kid!

You will want to die a thousand times over, but you don’t.

You will never find your destiny because you are too selfish right now to listen.

Caught up in emotions.

Sobbing into your pillow.

While I hold your head and stroke your hair.

It’s still me. I still know you better than anyone else can.

And I haven’t left your side yet.

Dread that day of all of them.

Dread that one the most.

When I breathe that last breath.

It will be a soundless whisper.

This was our empty destiny.

Annie's Purpose Draft 2

Annie’s Purpose

1

Here’s Annie.

Annie has a purpose.

Annie’s Purpose is a secret.

And Annie is so very good at keeping secrets.

2

Annie was very little when she learned about her Purpose.

Annie’s Purpose hurt her.

Annie’s Purpose was cruel.

But, Annie’s Purpose belonged to her.

3

There were many people in Annie’s life who liked her.

Annie trusted them too much.

A few people that she trusted hurt Annie.

A few people were cruel.

Annie kept her Purpose inside and it grew up with her

4

Annie hated her Purpose.

Annie would cry and scream into her pillow at night.

“Why?”, she cried out to the moon and the stars, but they weren’t listening.

“Why do I have this Purpose?”

“Why do I have to keep so many secrets?”

No one answered.

5

Annie was so very good at keeping secrets.

Annie knew her Purpose was part of her and she had to keep it secret.

If people knew about Annie’s Purpose, they might take it away.

Annie kept her Purpose to herself.

6

Annie didn’t know that her Purpose was growing and growing in her most secret places.

Annie didn’t know that her Purpose was keeping track of every bad thing ever said to her.

Annie didn’t know that her Purpose remembered all of the times Annie was hurt.

7

Annie still hated her Purpose.

Annie knew that since it was her Purpose, she had to deal with it.

Annie tried many times to kill her Purpose.

Annie’s Purpose knew she wouldn’t succeed and that it had to be this way.

And Annie’s Purpose grew and grew as long as she was alive.

8

Annie could see much more now that she understood her Purpose.

Annie could also see that everyone has a Purpose they keep secret.

Annie could not share her Purpose because no one else understood it.

Annie thought that maybe she could change her Purpose.

Annie tried & tried every single day.

9

But Annie’s Purpose had grown so full, she couldn’t change it.

Annie felt so empty inside.

Annie needed help from people who liked her.

She could not do this alone anymore.

10

Annie tried talking to some of the people who said they liked her.

Annie thought that if she told others about her Purpose they would understand.

Annie thought that maybe they could even see her Purpose.

Annie was wrong.

11

Annie learned that even though people liked her, they did not like her Purpose.

Annie’s Purpose made them angry and sad because it was not theirs.

Annie’s Purpose reminded them of their own Purposes which they had kept secret and forgotten.

People did not want to hear how their Purposes caused Annie’s.

And Annie understood why.

12

Here’s Annie.

Annie tried to kill her Purpose.

Annie tried to change her Purpose.

Annie tried to reach out for help with her Purpose.

But, this is Annie’s Purpose.

It belongs to Annie and must be kept secret.

And Annie is so very good at keeping secrets.